April 12th and August 2nd both started out as very normal mornings. Prior to both dates, I had been experiencing various symptoms that made me question whether I was expecting so I decided to take a pregnancy test. On both mornings, the test was positive. April 18th and September 2nd would become days I would never forget.
According to the American Pregnancy Association, "10-25% of all clinically recognized pregnancies will end in miscarriage." My first miscarriage occurred at 6 weeks after having been told that I may have an ectopic pregnancy. My second miscarriage occurred at 9 weeks after having seen and heard a heartbeat. Both times I felt more alone than I ever have in my life.
Why don't people talk about miscarriage? I've asked myself this question over and over again and while I know firsthand it's a heartbreaking time for the parents, I also think that it needs to be talked about. No one in my immediate family or circle of friends was able to understand my grief, anger, and pain and I needed to be able to talk to someone who knew what I was going through. My hope is this post finds a woman out there that is grieving alone and it provides what little bit of solace and comfort it can.
October is known for being breast cancer awareness month and domestic violence awareness month, but it is also pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. In an effort to make everyone more aware, I'd like to share a few things I have learned throughout both of my experiences.
1. Do not ask people when they are going to have kids or why they are waiting to have kids. I have been asked this numerous times and 99% of those times, I want to seriously injure the individuals and say "I promise I'm not waiting, I am just physically incapable of carrying a pregnancy to term." You don't know if the individual you are asking has just suffered a miscarriage, is dealing with infertility, or simply does not want children. I know the intent is not malicious, but it is none of your business.
2. After having one miscarriage, you lose the ability to get excited about subsequent pregnancies and you tend to worry more about the health of your baby.
3. Having to return to your obstetrician's office for blood draws to ensure your hcg levels drop to normal is a sick form of torture. I believe they should have a separate waiting room so I don't have to stare at happy pregnant people.
4. Do not push your friends and family away. They are your biggest support system. I am so grateful for my husband, parents, siblings, in-laws, and friends and everything they have done for us.
5. I am stronger than I ever imagined possible.
I opted to have a D&C after both of my miscarriages as my body was unable to fully miscarry on its' own and I didn't want to endure the pain any longer than I had to. I'm slowly grieving less, but I don't believe I will ever feel completely whole. Fortunately, I do have a good support system and an obstetrician who has referred me on to a pregnancy loss specialist. I'm hopeful that we will have the family we dream of someday, but I am also fearful that my hopes will continue to be dashed.
The pictures below show double rainbows that appeared at our family farm here in Kansas shortly after my second miscarriage and then again after my niece was born in Colorado. I believe my two angels were visiting us and then visiting their newborn cousin.
